Transformers, a Quick Rundown of Future Developments

CGI = Cleavage Grants Immortality?

I want to make this very clear right off the bat. I have not seen Transformers 2. Further more, I have no plans to. I have, however seen all of the screenshots of the movie that are worthwhile (ie contain Megan Fox). In fact, to be certain of the veracity of my claim, I just Google image searched “ sweet Transformer 2 scenes”. Suspicion confirmed: she is the strength of this franchise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as impressed with the improvements in CGI destruction as the next guy, but I am also willing to be blatantly honest with you.  I really don’t care about CGI destruction. It is the new boob job of Hollywood, and a lot like actual boob jobs, i’d really prefer to see the real thing. Even if that is a little harder to accomplish. I mean, its cool that you can do that sort of thing without visible scarring nowadays, but it still doesn’t compare.

The first movie, and I assume the 2nd one as well, followed a pretty typical Hollywood plotline. Boy sees car, boy falls in love with car, car turns into giant morphing robotic killing machine, boy gets to 2nd base with girl. I find it incredible, and wonderful, that these hacks get away with writing the same tired script again and again, only ever changing the font and type-size. I think its inspirational for the kids though. In a nation of children abandoned by divorced parents, and uprooted by shrinking job markets, it is important to have some stability.

The Transformers flick, delivers more of the same we have come to expect from a franchise already in its second live-action (more or less) film. Namely, they have not yet been reduced to full frontal nudity (I have big hopes for part 3 though). Fortunately I predict a greater level of depth to be forthcoming in later iterations as the ongoing story continues to evolve. The following is a short list of likely developments that we will see over the next few sequels.

1. Jetfire will struggle with contracting Machina AIDS. At first he will be ridiculed by fellow Autobots making insinuations about how stretched his afterburners are. He will flirt briefly with becoming a Decepticon. In the end Optimus Prime will rally the team back together. An important lesson will be learned by all. Even when parking in a garage (or a hangar depending on your preferences), throw on a car cover.

2. To appease sustainability conscious audiences all Autobots will either have Flex-Fuel stamped onto their frame or spend at least one twenty minute segment of the film collecting solar energy. Decepticons will all be renamed the Opecticons and be lead by Exonicon Mobilus. The goal of the Opecticons will be to fill the Earth’s sky with so much smog that their rivals can no longer charge their solar batteries. Frequent quips about the inconvenient truth of lasers damaging Autobots will be present.

3. Megan Fox will be replaced by Hannah Montana in order to appeal to a broader audience. Ironhide will also be replaced with Hannah Montana. Due to an enormous CGI budget you will not notice the difference.

4. A “Director’s Cut” edition will be released that is 7 hours long. Most of the additional time will be a recording of a nuclear warhead being detonated over Seoul, South Korea, in real-time. The movie premier will take place in the hallowed ruins of the resulting blast, providing a chilling commentary about the role of evolving machine intelligence.

5. Decepticons will unlock a secret alien technology that allows the beholder of the device to travel backwards in time to the Age of Dinosaurs. Just as they are activating it Bumblebee will sacrifice himself to prevent it from being used. In the process of doing so Bumblebee will be sucked backwards into time. Rescuing him will be the basis of the next four movies.

6. Due to the integration of 3d effects all Autobots and Decepticons will always appear to be in the foreground and humans in the background, regardless of their actual orientation to one another. The result is that frequently Optimus Prime will appear to be lecturing the audience. The only exception to this rule is Megan Fox, who will be constantly be, tantalizingly, just out of reach.

7. A new Chinese Decepticon, Confucicon, will be introduced to the team. Although he will be made of cheaper material, and subsequently receive far greater damage, he is always quick to dispense ancient wisdom. The Autobots will receive a new Japanese compatriot, Supra, during the Oil Wars. He will be incredibly fast and intelligent but humble and distant. Not until the very end of the movie will he show any emotion to his fellow Autobots. At this point it is revealed that the true treasure is not the all-spark they have been fighting for, but friendship, which they had inside of them all along.

8. After losing a skirmish to Supra, Confucicon will very bitterly exclaim “What do you tell country that you dropped two nuclear warheads on? Nothing you haven’t told it twice already.”

This is only a small sampe of what is to come, but I would not want to ruin all of the surprises just now. I think we can agree that this is a franchise with a ton of potential. I know that I am very excited about seeing it finally realized.

Memo to Team: A Few Tips to Excel!

Team,

I am very pleased with the progress we made at our latest meeting. As you all know there have been numerous complaints from the top brass about the speed and accuracy of our responses and reports to them. I think we covered a lot of important issues and we will reconvene next week to discuss how the below listed changes have effected your job performance.

Again, please remember my open door policy. Just because my door is open does not mean you may enter, facilities expects the AC system to be up and running again by the end of the week, so there will not be any more confusion after this.

Have a great week all, and if you have questions please consult one of your immediate supervisors.

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Dept. of Geriatrics Team Meeting – July 23, 2009 – MINUTES SUMMARY

Topics –

1. 24-48 hour turn around time
2. improved follow-up

1. Some reasons for delays in turn around time and follow-up
   1. Rain delays
   2. Many other tables must be seated first
   3. Tractor trailer accident on I-91

1. Suggestions for improvement
   1. It is mandatory to keep a clean home. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
   2. Drive a motorcycle, this will enable you to weave through traffic with good results
   3. Reply to emails even if you do not know the answer. Make what you say sound as plausible as possible, blame-shift to other departments as necessary.
   4. Take responsibility for what others do
      1. Many are successful, these are the people you want to steal credit from
      2. Never admit to anything. Wolves can smell weakness
      3. If you see others on-pace to outdo you, sabotage them
      4. Learn at least 90% of their routine so you know when to strike
      5. Send inappropriate emails from their desk

1. 1. The best way to blend in is to drink a lot of coffee and look disgruntled.
   2. Teamsters will now have access to all calendars. Strikes and fire bombings will be scheduled accordingly. If you have an unexpected scheduling conflict, see Hoffa.
   3. Administration and Finance will have a Master. You will refer to him only as ‘My lord’ and should never look him in the eye. Speak when spoken to and always stare at the ground in his presence.
   4. Finance must now keep track of their assignments in Morse code. If you must contact a team member for help flick your desk light on and off accordingly.
   5. Keep a reference book by your side at all times. I recommend a copy of Civil War battles by date.

Business Takes New Approach to Layoffs

There has been something of a renaissance in the philosophically troubling worlds of both laying off and firing people. Letting people go or “Cleaning House” has long been at the center of a management debate that has raged since Slaves v Ramses II resulted in the sacking of 4,000 construction workers (“Sacking” or “Mass Burials” as they are known today was a popular form of severance pay at the time).  There are two types of managers in existence that are entrenched in the struggle. The “Davids” and “Goliaths.” Goliath is an enormous egomaniac. He is more obsessed with finding ways to backdate his own stock options to bolster his, already considerably larger then yours, pay, then wasting time noticing whom he has crushed underfoot. David is an enormous egomaniac. He is more obsessed with proving to his superiors that he is at least as good at controlling costs and increasing sales, then he is in the human tragedy he leaves in his wake. The situation has gotten so out of hand, that both types are beginning to feel fatigued and guilty for letting people go, en masse. This epidemic has reached a point where the employed are beginning to envy the jobless.

Coupled with the paradoxical desire to boost morale, while reducing personnel, industry experts have been faced with a unique challenge. After a detailed analysis of how and where people most prefer to receive bad news, many companies are planning to add a new section to their newsletters.  The new space will be called Frugality Analysis Graphs. Despite this catchy name, it will unfortunately contain no graphs. It will instead provide up to date information about corporate cost-savings through forced attrition. Employees need only stay engaged in the HR and Legal approved periodicals to find out if they have been retired. This is especially important because severance must be requested in writing with 48 hours of notification.  “This really seems like the ultimate method of letting people go and also getting the employee really involved in the process.” Said Mark Tostenberg, CEO of Confrontation Avoidance Consulting LLC.

Under the new system weekly newsletters would be distributed in the work environment and employees would read through the listings to see if their obituary was included in the current edition. This has the additional advantage of increasing the readership of the latest tips on proper e-mail etiquette and reminders to sign up for the company volleyball game (assuming you are still eligible at game-time, teams are recommended to have at least 4 backups). The obituary will be a short 3-4 sentence paragraph about what the employee accomplished in their tenure and what the reason for their downsizing is. This will be written by each employee’s immediate supervisor. For any employees eager to shape their own legacy they can pay an additional fee (to be deducted from their final paycheck) to be alerted ahead of time so that they may write their own (subject to editorial approval). In order to ensure there is no abuse of this system, no severance pay will be issued until an approved obituary is published.

Opponents of the system point to its callous nature and inconvenient distribution points. One detractor stated “I thought this new procedure was fantastic until I had to actually stand next to a few people bursting into tears, then it just became awkward.” Although there is some measure of dissent, largely the business community has been supportive. It was all “Just another day’s work avoided” summed up Mark Tostenberg.

We, The Fat People, of the United States in Order to Form a More Rotund Nation…

Obesity Rate Change in the Last 10 Years. Seriously, click the link.

America, we have to talk. When we got into this relationship 23 years ago you were full of vigor. We used to spend time outside pretending to be ninja’s fighting undead zombie pirates We only went inside after our parents had taken out a bounty for our return, a thousand doubloons to any soul hearty enough to capture us alive. Well, you know, or threatened to with-hold precious dessert (a widely accepted substitute for actual parenting). Back then, we still had a lot of excitement and passion in our relationship. And maybe I’m partially to blame for your current state.

America, wait, come back. Don’t get angry I’m just trying to be honest with you, if we don’t talk this out it isn’t going to get better. Its just that I noticed a few years ago you started to get well… a little more well, plentiful. Your fields of amber grain able to sustain a few million more then in days of yore. I didn’t say anything at the time, but it has just gotten out of hand. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention more then 26% of Americans are now Obese.

America, I don’t mind having a little something to grab onto but, I am getting lost in the folds of your largess every time I attempt to do my Patriotic Duty. I just want you to know that we are in this together, I still love you, but you need help. I’m not sure we can be together until you start admitting you have a problem, and then I’ll be there to support you all the way once you do. Hey, remember the outdoors? Remember fighting the pirates? Let’s do that again. Take off your crumb-filled, Cheeto yellowed, fast-food stained wife beater and go outside.

America, I know it’s a big step. But you need to stop blaming others. Hamburger’s don’t eat people (Except maybe for their King, for he has truly gone mad), people eat hamburgers. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to eat, but I am only going to buy locally grown organic vegetables and fish and let you fend for yourself out there. No, a Mcdonald’s Fish Filet doesn’t count, stop pretending to try. This is just like your tired “No Child Left Behind” program, I know you well enough to know when you really mean it.

America, you used to be known as “The Beautiful.” Now that High School is over though, and you are no longer captain of the cheer leading team you have just let yourself go too far. Our greatest domestic resource is rapidly becoming cellulite. Look, lets just get up right now, walk away from the computer screen, and go for a jog.