Letters of Great Rote (CL Jobs Edition)

Live-in care for 103 yr-old lady (Naugatuck)
Date: 2009-11-25, 7:08AM EST
Reply to: job-dz6rw-1481594170@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Looking for long-term, live-in help for mom. Coming home soon from a short stay in a nursing home where she “re-charged her batteries,” she is not bed-ridden (gently ambulatory) but not as sharp as she used to be. Care level is fairly broad/inclusive. Send brief resume with any inquiry. I suggest that you list specific requirements you might have,such as pay or personal time, although these and other topics would be covered during an initial interview.

• Location: Naugatuck
• Compensation: negotiable
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job

To Whom It May Concern:
I was elated to see this position posted on Craigslist. I believe that you will find me to be an ideal candidate, as I am very patient and pay great attention to detail. I understand all too well the need for the elderly to occasionally “re-charge their batteries.” We sent our youngest son to boarding school for much the same reason. There really is no easier way to show them how good they have it. When Daniel came back he was much more appreciative of us and responded very well to orders barked at him, I presume nursing homes are effective at this as well!

Letters of Great Rote (CL Love Edition)

seeking playmate for fun and games – 21 (New Haven)

Or at least somebody who can understand my child comes first. And that you won’t be meeting said child unless a serious relationship develops. i am a divorced, independent career woman who loves to hang out in bowling alleys and pool halls. Those are my favorite ’sports’. I watch them on TV, too! I am majorly passionate, and comfortable with my sexuality, so whatever happens, happens. Just know that there won’t be a party without any balloons Send a pic, I’ll return the favor.745

745,
When I at first read your headline, I knew that you were a demanding woman. The act of taking part in both fun & games seemed like a high benchmark for any but the most virile men. Fortunately for both of us, you softened your standards immediately. I must stress that I do not approve of your child coming first in all circumstances, there are times when I hunger deeply (you understand the passions of which I speak), and I will not abide your child standing in the way.

Letters of Great Rote (CL Love Edition)

Yale grad students are much more interesting… – 20 (Yale)
Date: 2009-11-22, 7:42PM EST
Reply To This Post

than undergrads. There’s something about you being just slightly older that makes me melt… you’ve transition from loving crazy nights out to preferring an evening in with a bottle of chardonnay. Maybe you’re not incredibly stylish, but timelessly classic. You’re a man. You might be tall, probably quiet, serious, studious, maybe a little shy… you might wear glasses. And I like that.
about me: the attractive, fun-loving but mature undergrad who admires you from afar.

About me,
I find your ability to finish sentences that originated in your headline to be incredibly alluring. Please do not begin to melt just yet, for I have many more traits that are just slightly more advanced then your own. If you allow me I will sweep you off your feet by impressing you with my extensive knowledge of wines. The majority of what I say will be read directly off the bottles themselves but you will make excuses for my short comings because of my three piece suit and Brooks Brothers brace-suspenders. However, we will not drink chardonnay, as this gives me heart burn, one of many afflictions you will come to endure as your body begins to wither and fail.

Letters of Great Rote (Political Edition)

Mr. Steele,
I have been interested in tax policy since my early childhood, when I started to pay my annual Candy Tax to my parents after Halloween. It was at this time I came to realize the value of the flat tax. Both my sister and I were forced to hand over a portion of our hard-earned chocolate treats, or face punitive measures, as well as an alarming rate of penalties (one year I forfeited all of my Reece’s Peanut Butter cups after a failed attempt to hide the bulk of my spoils within Micromachine Isle).

Letters of Great Rote (Political Edition)

Mr. Reid,

Thank you for taking the time out of your hectic schedule to meet with me last week. I felt that our discussions were very productive at laying some groundwork. Clearly there are some fine details to, much like the mighty Hephaestus, hammer out, but I have no doubt that we will succeed as long as we both put our best feet forward. On that note, I must confess that I was shocked when you abruptly left in the midst of our dialogue. Presumably your finely honed danger sense, akin to a legislative Spiderman, alerted you that your presence was required elsewhere, and with all haste. Perhaps Joe Lieberman was negotiating his triumphant defection to the Reds on the other side of the aisle, necessitating you to find him and speak your mystical words of command to him, in order to once again reassert your dominance.

Naive Dreams E-Catalog – Part 1

Naïve Dreams Inc. is proud to announce the launch of a new on-line marketplace for children of all ages (but specifically 5-9 year olds)!! This exciting venture aims to teach children valuable skills they will need as adults, all the while keeping it fun! Here at Naïve Dreams Inc, we believe that we have a responsibility to prepare our children for the road ahead. It with this goal at the forefront of our minds, and in concert with our established heritage of excellence and innovation, that we are pleased to announce the first run of toys inspired by real world adult responsibilities.

(1) Little Tykes Voting Booth ($199.99)

During this tumultuous and uncertain time in our nation’s history, political activism has never been a more important, or futile, activity! Today’s youth will eventually be called upon to make important judgment calls about political candidates based solely on sound bites that are no longer than a traditional Japanese haiku.

Transformers, a Quick Rundown of Future Developments

CGI = Cleavage Grants Immortality?

I want to make this very clear right off the bat. I have not seen Transformers 2. Further more, I have no plans to. I have, however seen all of the screenshots of the movie that are worthwhile (ie contain Megan Fox). In fact, to be certain of the veracity of my claim, I just Google image searched “ sweet Transformer 2 scenes”. Suspicion confirmed: she is the strength of this franchise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as impressed with the improvements in CGI destruction as the next guy, but I am also willing to be blatantly honest with you.  I really don’t care about CGI destruction. It is the new boob job of Hollywood, and a lot like actual boob jobs, i’d really prefer to see the real thing. Even if that is a little harder to accomplish. I mean, its cool that you can do that sort of thing without visible scarring nowadays, but it still doesn’t compare.

The first movie, and I assume the 2nd one as well, followed a pretty typical Hollywood plotline. Boy sees car, boy falls in love with car, car turns into giant morphing robotic killing machine, boy gets to 2nd base with girl. I find it incredible, and wonderful, that these hacks get away with writing the same tired script again and again, only ever changing the font and type-size. I think its inspirational for the kids though. In a nation of children abandoned by divorced parents, and uprooted by shrinking job markets, it is important to have some stability.