
CGI = Cleavage Grants Immortality?
I want to make this very clear right off the bat. I have not seen Transformers 2. Further more, I have no plans to. I have, however seen all of the screenshots of the movie that are worthwhile (ie contain Megan Fox). In fact, to be certain of the veracity of my claim, I just Google image searched “ sweet Transformer 2 scenes”. Suspicion confirmed: she is the strength of this franchise. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as impressed with the improvements in CGI destruction as the next guy, but I am also willing to be blatantly honest with you. I really don’t care about CGI destruction. It is the new boob job of Hollywood, and a lot like actual boob jobs, i’d really prefer to see the real thing. Even if that is a little harder to accomplish. I mean, its cool that you can do that sort of thing without visible scarring nowadays, but it still doesn’t compare.
The first movie, and I assume the 2nd one as well, followed a pretty typical Hollywood plotline. Boy sees car, boy falls in love with car, car turns into giant morphing robotic killing machine, boy gets to 2nd base with girl. I find it incredible, and wonderful, that these hacks get away with writing the same tired script again and again, only ever changing the font and type-size. I think its inspirational for the kids though. In a nation of children abandoned by divorced parents, and uprooted by shrinking job markets, it is important to have some stability.
The Transformers flick, delivers more of the same we have come to expect from a franchise already in its second live-action (more or less) film. Namely, they have not yet been reduced to full frontal nudity (I have big hopes for part 3 though). Fortunately I predict a greater level of depth to be forthcoming in later iterations as the ongoing story continues to evolve. The following is a short list of likely developments that we will see over the next few sequels.
1. Jetfire will struggle with contracting Machina AIDS. At first he will be ridiculed by fellow Autobots making insinuations about how stretched his afterburners are. He will flirt briefly with becoming a Decepticon. In the end Optimus Prime will rally the team back together. An important lesson will be learned by all. Even when parking in a garage (or a hangar depending on your preferences), throw on a car cover.
2. To appease sustainability conscious audiences all Autobots will either have Flex-Fuel stamped onto their frame or spend at least one twenty minute segment of the film collecting solar energy. Decepticons will all be renamed the Opecticons and be lead by Exonicon Mobilus. The goal of the Opecticons will be to fill the Earth’s sky with so much smog that their rivals can no longer charge their solar batteries. Frequent quips about the inconvenient truth of lasers damaging Autobots will be present.
3. Megan Fox will be replaced by Hannah Montana in order to appeal to a broader audience. Ironhide will also be replaced with Hannah Montana. Due to an enormous CGI budget you will not notice the difference.
4. A “Director’s Cut” edition will be released that is 7 hours long. Most of the additional time will be a recording of a nuclear warhead being detonated over Seoul, South Korea, in real-time. The movie premier will take place in the hallowed ruins of the resulting blast, providing a chilling commentary about the role of evolving machine intelligence.
5. Decepticons will unlock a secret alien technology that allows the beholder of the device to travel backwards in time to the Age of Dinosaurs. Just as they are activating it Bumblebee will sacrifice himself to prevent it from being used. In the process of doing so Bumblebee will be sucked backwards into time. Rescuing him will be the basis of the next four movies.
6. Due to the integration of 3d effects all Autobots and Decepticons will always appear to be in the foreground and humans in the background, regardless of their actual orientation to one another. The result is that frequently Optimus Prime will appear to be lecturing the audience. The only exception to this rule is Megan Fox, who will be constantly be, tantalizingly, just out of reach.
7. A new Chinese Decepticon, Confucicon, will be introduced to the team. Although he will be made of cheaper material, and subsequently receive far greater damage, he is always quick to dispense ancient wisdom. The Autobots will receive a new Japanese compatriot, Supra, during the Oil Wars. He will be incredibly fast and intelligent but humble and distant. Not until the very end of the movie will he show any emotion to his fellow Autobots. At this point it is revealed that the true treasure is not the all-spark they have been fighting for, but friendship, which they had inside of them all along.
8. After losing a skirmish to Supra, Confucicon will very bitterly exclaim “What do you tell country that you dropped two nuclear warheads on? Nothing you haven’t told it twice already.”
This is only a small sampe of what is to come, but I would not want to ruin all of the surprises just now. I think we can agree that this is a franchise with a ton of potential. I know that I am very excited about seeing it finally realized.
There has been something of a renaissance in the philosophically troubling worlds of both laying off and firing people. Letting people go or “Cleaning House” has long been at the center of a management debate that has raged since Slaves v Ramses II resulted in the sacking of 4,000 construction workers (“Sacking” or “Mass Burials” as they are known today was a popular form of severance pay at the time). There are two types of managers in existence that are entrenched in the struggle. The “Davids” and “Goliaths.” Goliath is an enormous egomaniac. He is more obsessed with finding ways to backdate his own stock options to bolster his, already considerably larger then yours, pay, then wasting time noticing whom he has crushed underfoot. David is an enormous egomaniac. He is more obsessed with proving to his superiors that he is at least as good at controlling costs and increasing sales, then he is in the human tragedy he leaves in his wake. The situation has gotten so out of hand, that both types are beginning to feel fatigued and guilty for letting people go, en masse. This epidemic has reached a point where the employed are beginning to envy the jobless.